Palming, right.

Nothing to do with the late, great rubbery-faced thespian, Geoffrey Palmer. But instead, the practice of effortlessly using the flattened palm of your hand to steer your car, rather than gripping it with all four fingers and thumb to achieve the same objectives. 

Not to be confused with Woollarding; which is best illustrated by placing the foot of one’s leading leg on the bumper of a vehicle at a roughly 90 degree angle, opening the bonnet and proceeding to lean in and ultimately rest on your own raised knee. Whilst simultaneously uttering something about being ‘heavily into secondhand cars’ and ‘basically in Nottingham.’

For the uninitiated, William Woollard was the talismanic, pre-Clarkson era Top Gear anchor-man. Who, whenever he finished a segment on the show, would be stood there, casual as you like, adopting this iconic pose to the camera. Effortlessly looking as cool as fuck, in a sort of Michael Knight fashion. Only with less acres of leather jacket and bubble perm.

But that was Woollard, who to the best of our knowledge wasn’t a palmer, so to speak.

Nor Is My Dad….

But he DOES drive a Skoda Yeti. 

Replete with at least seven separate layers of faux leather steering wheel grips. Meaning the steering experience is more akin to driving a car where a large – yet strangely smooth – rock is used in place of the more traditional steering apparatus more commonly associated with motor vehicles. ‘Feel’ is certainly compromised, and it kinda reminds us of any BMW M Sport with its historically overly chunky tiller. 

Put it this way; there’s a LOT of steering apparatus to grapple with should you be so ambitious as to want to turn the car away from fast-approaching dangerous scenarios that are likely to hurt both you and the car. And/or corners.

But Here’s The Rub…

Despite the myriad of leatherette layers distancing the driver from the original Skoda steering wheel like a reverse ozone layer, the Yeti still manages to turn itself on a sixpence.

Not quite to the same extent as, say, a Triumph Herald. Which famously could crash into itself if the driver was a bit too vigorous with the steering lock. Yet nevertheless, a pretty impressive turning circle.

And one which lends itself with consummate ease to the noble art of palming. 

Seriously. You can turn into a 90 degree corner and exit the other side in a circular hand motion. Like a single jazz hand. Or the type of hand motion you use if following the correct Charleston dance protocols from the waist up. 

Of course there’s always going to be killjoys out there when it comes to palming. Grey people with no sex lives who are quick to point out that palming is potentially dangerous. Comparable to the practicing of metal detecting and campanology. And we have to respect the opinions of people like this.

Didgeridon’t

Naturally, there IS a certain risk element involved in palming. We are no fools.

Should your hands be too greasy there’s a chance that the steering wheel could escape the driver’s clutches and immediately make them look decidedly amateur. And nobody wants to own this look. 

In Australia – a land where they wrangle crocodiles and sleep with giant arachnids – palming is considered a dangerous pursuit. And a minor fault if frequented during a driving test.

Being cited as improper technique and essentially providing the driver with less grip and feedback in relation to the traditional hand-over-hand or push-pull steering facilitation method. 

Convenience, in a word. Especially in car parks and at low speeds. As palming requires less effort yet rewards with maximum cool.

Let’s face it. Nobody outside of a Honda Jazz ever favours the 9-3 or 10-to-2 steering wheel-holding position.

All that ‘feeding’ the steering wheel is far too physically demanding when instead you can simply drive it like it was a forklift truck. 

In Popular Culture, Which Characters Depicted On The Silver Or Small Screen Are Generally Considered The Best Palmers?

Arguably Vin Diesel is the palming benchmark in the eyes of many amateur aficionados. Primarily, and primevally, we watch his character in the ‘Fast and the Furious’ film franchise relentlessly palm. Adopting this aesthetically-pleasurable, almost glancing driving style with wild and recurrent abandon.

Detractors will suggest that while it appears ‘sassy’ on screen, this driving style is more about character flair than story arcs and narratives. With the context alluding to palming as a ‘superpower’ for his car control, and not a reflection of his actual driving skills. 

Other Leading Protagonists Include…

Meanwhile below, we explore some alternative palming auteurs;

‘Baby’ from ‘Baby Driver’ (a role played by Ansel Elgort) is routinely observed in highly choreographed, practical effect-driven chase scenes, where he utilises rapid, precise and sometimes one-handed palm-like motions.

‘Bo’ and ‘Luke Duke’ offa of ‘The Dukes of Hazard’ were both legendary protagonists of the palming technique. Especially when deploying J-turns in the General Lee. 

‘Imperator Furiosa’ (pictorially portrayed by Charlize Theron) in ‘Mad Max: Fury Road’ is seen using unconventional steering methods in various scenes. Whilst driving the War Rig – and to ensure optimum manoeuvrability – during intense driving sequences Furiosa palms frenetically. 

‘Frank Martin’ is played by ‘Jason Statham’ in ‘The Transporter’ films; a character who is known for his reckless, yet precision-orientated high speed manoeuvres that typically feature quick palm-style handling for maximum visual effect. 

Who Doesn’t Advocate Palming?

It’s not just driving instructors, Australians and committed Christian drivers who bemoan the potential dangers of palming when behind the wheel of a car.

Users of Reddit (which is similar to Mumsnet, but NOT exclusively for people who have bred) are equally aghast. And have taken to the internet to express their aghast, via a thread entitled, ‘palm steering twits’. Twits spelt with an ‘i’. 

Someone who goes by the name of ‘Trackerjack’ (as they were known in 2012) asks the following; ‘I have noticed a very popular and dangerous trend with drivers under the age of 20 and they steer the car with the palm of their hand. Is it like baggy pants? Something they have seen gangsters do?’

Gangsters were unavailable for comment.

So, In Conclusion, Which Car Is Best For Palming?

Which is kinda the point of this blog if you scroll back up to the title.

Apart from my dad’s Skoda Yeti, there are a few vehicles which lend themselves for palming, should the circumstances allow such frivolous driving etiquette.

DISCLAIMER: Which should always be performed at very low speeds and NOT on public roads. Unless your name starts with ‘Dominic’ and ends in ‘Toretto.’

Understandably, we turned to AI to help us. That’s A and I. Not someone called ‘Al’ because the ‘I’ reads as a lower case ‘L’. Partly because we were too lazy to conduct the relevant research. And partly because we appreciate your attention span will be significantly diminished by now. 

The Ford Fiesta ST The Perfect Weapon Of Choice For Palmers Shocker

Not many people will be surprised by the inclusion of the Ford Fiesta ST. Anyone who looks at a Ford Fiesta ST instantly thinks, absolute palmer. Direct, well-weighted steering provides factual accuracy to this seemingly spurious and stereotypical claim. 

Other vehicles recognised as being adept at encouraging a palming approach to steerage include the Citroen CX/C5. You know the model. The one with the hydro-pneumatic suspension which came with extremely light, isolated steering. Not what you might call overly responsive, and very vague. The palming promised land, if you like.

The Fiat Punto is another, but only in ‘City Mode’. A functionality which dramatically increases assist for effortless parking. Thus providing full swivel. Similar mechanics to that of an owl’s head.

The Mazda MX-5 – or Miata, if you’re American – is wholly communicative in the steering department. A classic, according to the palming purists out there. Of which there are many subscribers. 

Amongst the shock candidates you’ll find the Peugeot 207 and 308.

But perhaps the most shocking of all is Rolls-Royce and Bentley. A by-product of all that engineered for tranquility and smoothness rhetoric results in a distinct lightness of feel between the driver and the steering wheel. They also tend to have insulated wheels too, which helps the whole palming cause. 

In conclusion, my dad’s Skoda Yeti is best for palming however. This is an undisputed FACT.

Any Known Side Effects Relating To Palming I Need To Be Aware Of?

Yes.

Awkward and unnatural posture adopted by repeated palming can lead to wrist strain and fatigue if done to excess.

So those who make a habit of palming –in public places or not – can suffer from hand tremors and minimise long-duration control. Whatever that actually means or how it physically manifests itself. 

So, if you’re a keen palmer, don’t say you weren’t warned.

Goodbye, goodnight and palm safely.