Sorry….a what?

What IF the OG complex causality loop-hopping exponent, Dr. Who circumnavigated the scientifically highly contentious arena of time travel via the medium of an automobile, rather than the tried-and-tested 1950’s police call box?

Yes, THAT.

And more importantly, just what make and model would his/her/their alt-choice of inter-dimensional passenger-supporting methodology be/look/drive like?

It’s a question many of you may have privately asked yourselves or your friends down the years, yet probably never going as far as to draw a considered conclusion. Or indeed, landing on the definitive car that would befit a time and dimension tourism-obsessed doctor of the non-medical persuasion.

A topic of gripping conversation typically steered towards whilst inhaling deeply on certain smoked compounds which nearly always lead to nocturnal visitations to petrol station forecourts for life-saving confectionary and/or savouries.

Or maybe mused while you’re sat in the childhood bedroom of your parent’s home (as an adult) engaged in ‘chat‘ with fellow sci-fi fetishers who choose to live their lives on – what’s usually later described by the investigating authorities – as a forum.

However, this is just one of the many reasons why drivl exists in the first place. To challenge the accepted norms and deconstruct the evidence set before us.

Please note the careful use of the word ‘evidence‘ in this instance. Which along with the closely-associated words ‘hard‘ and ‘drive‘ are often mentioned in the same sentence as ‘forum users‘ in a court of law.

Anyway, Back To The C.A.R.D.I.S..

Anyway, back to the C.A.R.D.I.S.

And after brief application of applied logic, here is our hastily gathered shortlist of potential automotive candidates for the future role of C.A.R.D.I.S.

Which is of course as suspected, all absolute bollocks.

The BMW Mini One

Pros – It’s deceptively small on the outside, yet freakishly capacious on the inside. It benefits from German build quality. Residuals will remain high. Yadda yadda.

Cons – Every Tom (Baker), Dick and Harry (opens and promptly closes brackets as can’t think of any other Whovian overlords whose Christian names are either Richard or Harold) owns one these days. What’s more, it’s not as deceptively small on the outside as it once was. Reimagined by BMW, the Mini One‘s hitherto lithe exterior positively ballooned to frankly bulbous proportions. Only ever diminished in circumference when sat in the leviathan shadow cast by the ego of a Premier League footballer. Plus, it only ever tends to be driven by the sort of women who carry miniature dogs in handbags, and men who readily admit to ‘styling‘ their own hair.

The Nissan Cube

Pros – It actually, physically looks like the T.A.R.D.I.S. Albeit a white one with a wheel found in each corner. And when we say ‘corner‘, we mean each mathematically precise corner. It’s Japanese and built in the 2000’s. So will be festooned with the sort of in-car tech (as standard) that would impress someone who themselves are fans of I.T and bobbins gadgetry which serves no purpose outside of the realms of science fiction.

Cons – It’s constructed to Japanese K-car specifications. Meaning, economy of engine output as well as stature. Subsequently meaning, Nissan Cube’s rarely appear on GATSO recorded data (thanks to top speeds being routinely bettered by tortoises in cannabis hazes). Further meaning, time travel is measured in days and weeks as opposed to milliseconds.

Jaguar XJS

Pros – It’s a Jaguar XJS!

Cons – It’s a Jaguar XJS!

2003 Honda Jazz

Pros – Ignoring the fact we’re being a bit specific re: model year, the Jazz provides ample room on the rear parcel shelf for examples of over-sized scarves and interesting headgear more often observed being worn by an ageing population. Plus – and somewhat contrary to popular belief – in recent times it’s been proven beyond any long-standing doubts that it IS possible to impress female travel companions from within the confines of a Honda Jazz. Note hugely popular train-obsessed YouTuber, Francis Bourgeios; who is in the process of turning the Iris Red Pearl (pink, basically) Honda Jazz he bought for his ‘girlfriend’, Amy, into a sleeper. Courtesy of affording it significant performance upgrades which could instigate time travel with a following wind. Also, ‘Amy’ works as a Doctor’s companion’s name.

Cons – The concept of dimension-straddling to your average Honda Jazz driver is met with a similar facial expression to when you casually suggest to them that their vehicle would be perfect for ram-raiding an urban off licence.

NASA Moon Buggy

Pros – It’s a proven space vehicle and it clearly works in zero gravity conditions.

Cons – Its MOT has probably expired, and all that space dust will have properly fucked with the injectors. Also, being American-made, its steering column will almost certainly be on the wrong side.

Mario Balotelli’s Desert-Camouflaged Bentley Continental GT

Pros – It’s cunning camo exterior will ensure that it seamlessly blends in with any given backdrop/landscape/juncture in historical timelines where the doctor pitches up. Especially if its Alderley Edge in 2004. It reeks of gentlemanly conduct and projects an uncanny air of general aloofness. Two of the uppermost qualities pre-requisitional for Gallifrey-hailing timelords.

Cons – It’s the sort of car Mario Balotelli drove without the merest hint of self-parody. Or awareness, to be quite honest.

Thrust II (or 2)

Pros – It can reach warp speed and outrun a Dalek. Truth be told, Bose-Einstein condensates are more fleet of foot than a Dalek.

Cons – Tends to work best when you have a beach/sand close by. Also not very discreet.

Vauxhall Agila

Pros – Nearly always comes in T.A.R.D.I.S blue. Which means it will be easily identifiable in a Lidl car park. Its street value is £buggerall. Which means it’ll never be nicked. Nor would any rapscallion ever think twice about pressing their faces up against the windows and therein discovering the secrets of the entire universe.

Cons – It’s a Vauxhall. Which means it will require more trips to the (car) clinic thant.

So, There You Have It

So, there you have it.

Which of the above vehicles do YOU think would make the best alternative, vehicular-derived T.A.R.D.I.S.

Or C.A.R.D.I.S if you will*.

*humour us